What They Won’t Show You in Porn

My husband and I have been together 11 years…7 years married…2 as Mommy and Daddy. Somehow in those last 2 years we have morphed from being young, sexy and cute to young, sexy and cutesy wootsy.

We used to regale our friends with this bit called “What They Won’t Show You In Porn.” Tell them about how I fell out of the bed while trying to slink across it to show off new lingerie, chuckle at how one of us made the mistake of ordering chili on a romantic night out and of course there is “Oh dear lord what’s in my eye! It burns! It buuuuuuuuuuuuuurns!” story (allergic reaction to massage lotion, apparently).

It was all very witty…sharing a little of our inappropriate humor with friends. Made us the belle of any ball. We were charming, young, sexy, funny and potentially famous. We were quite sure we could take our comedy routine on the road one day. Maybe Broadway! But we’d do it clothed…or get a body double (I nominate Cameron Diaz as she is a blonde mini me).

So all this is a little too much information for you, but we’re close. I’ve discussed my boobs, honkers, gazungas and birthing story with you. I feel like I can share the latest installment of What They Won’t Show You In Porn with you without you being too judgmental.

We were having our special Mommy Daddy time and right in the middle of things I spontaneously played peek-a-boo…..and not with my eyes.

Scary part is, it didn’t seem inappropriate at all. Completely natural. Very funny.

When did Mommyhood invade EVERY part of my life?I know it invaded my sleeping patterns, my toy room formerly known as my den, my priorities…but my Mommy Daddy Special Time? Is nothing sacred?

Well no, I guess nothing is. They tell you all dignity is lost once you have a baby. They are right. I never thought my friends and I would sit around dinner and discuss our episiotomy scars. Or stretch marks. I never thought half of Pennsylvania would see my boobs as I tried to figure out that whole breast feeding thing. I never thought my daughter would be my constant bathroom companion. And I never thought my child’s gas would make me so proud.

I guess it’s not so bad. It’s not like I started playing darts. Ouch. Peek a boo is a classic fun family game. Maybe next time we’ll try tiddly winks…with a twist. ;-)