Tomorrow will be the first day since they were born 11 months ago that I won’t see my babies. I have to be in NYC for work, and the schedule of meetings dictates that I will leave before the little ones wake up and return after they go to sleep. And I feel… panicked.
I know it’s only one day, and I know they will be well cared-for by my husband and our babysitter. But I can’t quite wrap my head around the idea that they will wake up, have a whole day of experiences, and go back to sleep without a single kiss, hug, or smile from me. And I’ll go a whole day without hearing their giggles. When I get home, no one will greet me with a gleeful shout and a hasty crawl to the door (I’m sure my husband will be glad to see me, but his reaction is generally more understated and – let’s face it – not the same thing at all.)
As it is, I’ve arranged a slightly insane travel schedule (to the airport before 6 am and home around midnight) so that I’m not away overnight. At least I’ll be there when they wake up on Wednesday morning. But in comparison to the past several weeks of holidays, during which we’ve been together nearly all day every day, it’s going to be a shock to my system.
Maybe they’ll hardly notice I’m gone and I’m a total narcissist for acting like my absence will upset them. Maybe I’ll feel like a day in NYC on my own, with no one to feed, no diapers to change, no squabbles over toys to mediate, is liberating. But right now I just feel completely freaked out.
Motherhood is a powerful force, indeed.
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