Je m'ennuie...SIGH

Thank goodness for the French. They have given us words like ennuie.

A word which nobly and beautifully describes a condition of stultifying boredom and malaise.

Work? Boring.
Dishes? Exceedling Boring.
TV? Boring boring boring.

Why am I in such a funk?

Chamudi was sick last week, which drained me to the extreme and kept us stuck inside for a lot of days, but he's long over it. And I've been given numerous opportunities to "recharge." And yet--I feel still tired, grumpy, and full of...ennuie.

I get like this sometimes. I think it's when I'm in need of new challenges, opportunities, and just feel in a rut.

And yet I have an ideal situation. I am working from home! I can watch my son grow up while I earn money and develop professionally!

Or can I?

Working from home is a mixed blessing, as anyone who has done it for even a little while will tell you. I spend something like 90 % of my time in my 2-bedroom apartment, for one thing. And I never feel like I'm spending enough time on my work OR my son. One always seems to be calling me away from the other, or other distractions call me away from both.

And am I really developing professionally? I am not sure. At this point I am not making new connections or gaining new skills, I am just doing more and more of the same. I am not getting stimulated and motivated by coworkers--many days I am lucky if I even hear from them. And I have a contstant nagging fear that out of sight is out of mind, and that they'll soon find me superflous.

Furthermore, my experience is becoming so specialized that I fear that I'll never be able to qualify for something else.

But this is a great situation, right? Don't rock the boat? Enjoy what you've got?

I'm not so sure. And the trouble is, I'm not sure how to break free. This somewhat unusual arrangement has now become our status quo. If I even think about looking at new professional opportunities, I will have to figure in the cost to our family--financially and emotionally--of upturning everthing. Finding daycare, a nanny-share, what have you, leaving him there for entire workdays just when he's getting to be a really splendid companion, and then living hand-to-mouth because of the money all this would cost.

And, worst of all, deep down I think I will discover that I really did have the best of both worlds, and I don't want to look back and realize that I blew it, all because I didn't have the imagination to make it what I needed it to be.

So after Limmud NY this weekend (so excited for that!) I am going to sit down and think about how to make this situation work better for me. So that I am stimulated, excited, and motivated to make amazing, essential contributions. And how to round out my professional experience with other opportunties that will allow me to thrive in my current situation while gaining new skills that I can carry with me wherever I may go....

Even if it's just to the next room, to get another cup of coffee.

So hey..if you hear of anything interesting, let me know!