Where is that little piece of fingernail?

This is the first time, save a year of student life in Israel, that I am making seder. I have wanted this for so long that it almost seems like a dream that it's here, and I welcome the aching fingers and soles of my feet that come from the endless hours of preparation and chopping (still, as I write, taking place). Seder with my parents had become interminable; two creative folks in other places in their lives got stale, so stale that we literally read around the table till we were so bored we went to bed.

I took an hour on Tuesday to get a pedicure and read through our haggadah. I know that sounds like a tremendous amount of sacrilege for one hour, but it was the only way I knew I would sit still long enough to read from Kadesh through Nirtza. And I found myself bawling while I was reading it, from the overwhelming sense of excitement and happiness that I finally have a chance to wrest this set of mitzvot from my parents and fill it with meaning for my son (and for me).

But somewhere inside of me I miss my horrible boring family seder. I miss grating the apple for charoset with my mother until my fingers are numb and I lose a bit of fingernail from careless grating. I do not miss the brimming resentment of having to clean my house and then go and clean hers, of working like a dog because she insists on serving 47 side dishes, or standing next to her while she fakes chicken soup by putting orange juice in the canned stuff with some chopped carrot and celery. I do miss the list that my mother keeps in the boxes of Pesach dishes of what gets made for seder, and what has changed from year to year...so I made my own (on the computer, but I did date it).

Many, many months ago, I posted here about making resolutions for the new year...and I posted about making the commitment to myself to follow through on not going to my parents for Pesach. Here I am, erev erev chag, less than 24 hours till Shabbat, and I am doing it. I'm kind of proud of myself. Actually, I'm really proud of myself, but let's see how the seder turns out!