Tuesday, January 06, 2009

The Cheese Stands Alone

Okay, I'll admit it...I was an "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" sort of single girl. Always greeted the announcement of engagement and ensuing wedding with an equal measure of public excitement and private bitterness. I'd like to say that I stopped when I got married, but the truth is that to this day when I attend weddings I get a little envious...thinking wow to be experiencing that blissful day once again, long before the realities of building a life together really begin.

So let's just say I have "though shalt not covet" issues.

Which brings us to today. One by one I've watched as each of Chamudi's friend's Imas hit that "two years apart" mark, popping out lovely new younglings to build their beautiful families. It was basically down to just two holdouts--one of whom is not currently married--plus me. I actually said to one of them last week, "God, don't tell me when you become pregnant....you're my saving grace (or my last hope, or something similarly melodramatic)."

Yeah, guess what? The cheese stands alone. It's all the worse because I'm not even a little bit confused--I know that I do want more children--and soon. I love Chamudi and I love little babies and I'm ready for more chaos and more excitement and more mess and all of it, I have been for a while.

And maybe at my old job we could have made a go of it. But my new job--which on most days I really like--pays $12k less than my old one. And Abba's still a year or two from finishing his Phd, though he's making great progress. So...there you go.

The day I realized this was a brutal one. It's a shocker to realize that sometimes you can't make your own future--that sometimes money really does matter, even if it shouldn't. Some of it is cruel circumstance, but to a certain degree I'm just eating the consequences of the choices I've made in my life--and would likely make again.

It's an Ima thing to yearn just a bit for the little ones, but I guess I'll just have to suffer through for another year or two. But meanwhile, perhaps I'll try and count my blessings, like Abba is always pushing me to do when I get melancholy about the children's table for one.

Top Ten Reasons Why It's Nice Having One Toddler, No Baby...For Now

1) I get lots of sleep.
2) My breasts never randomly spurt milk.
3) I'm not feeling nauseous or exhausted.
4) My son gets my full attention.
5) I don't need a double stroller.
6) I can go grocery shopping with ease.
7) I don't need a "family car."
8) I don't need to move to the suburbs.
9) I don't need to take unpaid maternity leave.
10) I can lend out all my favorite baby stuff to my favorite friends.

So there you have it. A little positivity for the road.


Frayda said...

I can kind of relate to how you are feeling. I just had my first this past September, but this was after being married for 5 years and watching many of my friends having one, two, or even three children. Even though I didn't want kids at the time, I still felt some sort of envious feeling. I will probably not be able to have another child for a while either. My husband recently lost is job and is in the (slow) process of opening his own company.

Maya said...

Oh, honey, you're not standing alone.
My girl will be two tomorrow, the day I take the family who had a baby one day before me food because they just had another last week. I'm not going to be fertile forever, and still no ring. I decided to enjoy some "me" time: sleep through uninterrupted nights and work out when baby's in bed.

You've got the right attitude. You'll have another; maybe many more. If you had a baby now, you'd come up with the money. Waiting is probably more sane. But I'm not sure having children is a particularly sane enterprise to begin with. Sort of divine madness. But that being said, you are right to do what is best for you as a family, and not worry about what everyone else is doing.

Anonymous said...

I fromage along with you. Except I can add a few more.

Now my 4 year old is the only only in his class, except for the child whose parents are divorcing. And pretty much the only only around.

I am anxious. I want another/more children. But it was hard the first time and will be hard this time too. And I like the way life is, and I'm afraid to change. And I'm afraid of how a 2nd child will change my life, my job/work, my marriage.

And on top of that, my husband really wants it. So much that I often feel pressured. But he's not finished with his dissertation either and I am the employed one.

The only support I can say is that you must do what you will do on your schedule. There is nothing that will make it better or easier if youdo what someone else wants youto do or what someone expects you to do.