Tuesday, September 08, 2009

So close and yet so far... A brief introduction

At this moment, I have both hands free for the first time in three months. Our new nanny is watching our precious little girl in the next room while I sit in our bedroom preparing to go back to work on Friday. She's not so far away from me, and yet I miss her already. I keep peeking in to see how she's doing (I hope I'm not annoying the nanny!).

I'm a new contributor to this blog, and to be honest, I'm not sure what my precise perspective will be. I had my first child in mid-June, and every day I am blown away by how fast she is growing up, how sweet she is, and how big her personality is already. Similarly, I feel oddly relieved to finally feel like a grown- up again and to try to reclaim my previous identity as a working professional. I certainly know I take a minority view when I say that I don't think I am cut out to stay at home-- the last three months have been some of the most trying and exhausting times in my life.

I'll break it down to three primary lessons learned:
1) Babies are born needy. After giving birth, I was also needy. It is extremely difficult to give when you need, but somehow you just have to power through and trust nature to sustain you both.
2) When she cries, she is not crying at me. I did nothing wrong. It is not my fault. She did not know how to express pleasure yet, she only knew how to express displeasure. And it was my job to learn how to figure out what she needed when.
3) It is okay to cry. Uncontrollably. Multiple times a day. With her, next to her, over her, because of her. Bonding takes a very long time sometimes, and even when you feel so close, sometimes there is just nothing else you can do that moment but cry.

And now, the three things I love most about my daughter:
1) The way she flings her arms and legs around and grins at me when I find her after a nap. I live for that smile now, and I look forward to it. Even at 4am.
2) I love how she is soothed by resting on me, how she leans in for a kiss, and how she has learned to have a conversation with me. I will tell her for the rest of her life that her first word was "How," and that she takes after her Daddy.
3) At least for now, I can solve her greatest troubles in life. I pray that I'll be able to at least help a little bit, no matter what's wrong, for the rest of my life.

Of course that list could go on and on and on. And perhaps at my first day back at work on Friday I will post again with more when I am truly away from her for longer than 2 hours for the first time in her life.


Ima Shalom said...

You've gotten through hardest part...from this point on it just gets more and more fun! Good luck starting work.

Maya said...

Oh yes, that is hard--the first time you have to leave your little love with someone else. I couldn't stand to look at photos of my baby when I was at work. I got too lovesick and couldn't get a thing done. I'm pretty sure it's much harder on the mommas than on the babies.