Monday, April 27, 2009

Where have all the Imahot gone?

I for one am hiding.

I feel lots of guilt for not posting, but it is certainly a significantly smaller and less significant kind of guilt than the guilt I feel on a daily and even minute to minute basis about all the rest of the stuff in my life. What would life be without some all consuming guilt?

Case in point. I fell asleep with my darling boy tonight. After we said the Shema, he went played with his babydoll in bed for a while, and I went straight to sleep. In his bed. Woke up half an hour later because my not so darling husband was poking my foot to try to wake me up. I missed doing the dishes, cleaning up from dinner, finishing my work for the night, and now I'm wide awake at nearly 11pm knowing that I'll be pulling another late nighter to get ready for the rest of real life.

I definitely can't handle it all. Won't even pretend about it. Whoever said that you could be a supermom didn't have a cape and was just totally wrong. I work full time, have a small child, and do a million other things I totally should have said no to because I'm a sucker and I like to try harder than "anyone else."

My bellyaching doesn't make for good blog posts. Neither does the challenge to my marriage and my waning physical and emotional stamina because of my lack of sleep and inability to focus on any one particular thing. So crazy that I ended up in the hospital a few weeks ago with a GI something that had STRESS written all over it.

Plus, damn it, I got a REALLY bad haircut a few weeks ago and my hair looks awful. My toenails look great, though, because I snuck out of work early (packed my flipflops, it was totally premeditated) and went and got a pedicure. I am not feeling that I'm at my (as Betty Crocker would say) moist, delicious best.

So I'll stop typing and try to go to bed by 11:30pm. Maybe I won't be so paranoid tomorrow and will have some time to write more. Or maybe not. Maybe I'll need a manicure instead!


Maya said...

Forget the sleep deprivation (to which I am now permanently accustomed), but a bad haircut? Man, a person can't do anything when she has a bad haircut! Good luck! (though I bet you look much better than you think).

Joyous Jewess said...

Thanks for posting this, Gluckel. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but it is helpful to know that I'm not alone! I could have written your post. I've been feeling totally out of control lately -- everything at work and at home feels disorganized and crazy-making -- and it's not clear how to change that! Thus, my lack of blogging lately, too. Anyway, wishing you the best, and a good night sleep!

The Queen of Laundry said...

What you wrote seems to come from such a personal and essential place in your being and yet, it is FRIGHTENINGLY FAMILIAR! Lately, at such points, I've been trying at least to get rid of the guilt; it just doesn't get me anywhere. I also try to get more sleep, but I'm VERY BAD at that... I do think one should take care of herself, as you did. It's not luxury or anything; when Ima feels good, everyone in the family feel better, don't they? And yet, sometimes, your 75%, even 50%, is the best you can do. Considering the range and size of assignments, I think you're entitled at least to feel OK about it, without seeking for encouragement nor even understanding (let alone praise...) from your close surroundings, although that's always nice to have. Sisters, as we all know, are doin' it for themselves, and what they manage to do is, must be, good enough. Hang on in there!