Thursday, September 04, 2008

An Open Letter to Sarah Palin, because I know she'll NEVER read it

Dear Sarah Barracuda,

I write you this letter today not to congratulate you on the occasion of your acceptance of the vice-presidential nomination (which is super cool), but to inquire about how you handled finding out that Bristol was preggers. I'm so glad you decided to share Bristol's pregnancy with the world. I mean, everyone was spreading rumors about how Trig was her baby...of course you wanted to stop those, so you had to share the one thing that would get our jaws to drop all the way to the floor! Mazal tov, by the way. That means both "congratulations" and "good luck" in Hebrew. And you're going to need it.

I'm guessing you were shocked. Especially since you support abstinence must have thought that Bristol was in school that day. Where did she learn to have sex?? Who taught her how to do that?? Thank goodness they didn't use protection...that is ALL wrong. I mean, it is a huge shock that a 17 year old girl would have sex. And you are totally doing the right thing by forcing her to marry Levi. I am sure that their marriage was meant to be and they will live happily ever after. They're going to have to, because I'm sure you don't do divorce either. Oh, and I think they should name the baby Hensley. That's Cindy McCain's maiden name. She'll appreciate the nod, and I'm sure that it will guarantee you a lifetime supply of beer for the baby to enjoy. Should help Bristol with the breastfeeding, too.

By the way, I love that beehive thing you've got going. You look smokin' hot. And thanks for not wearing pantsuits either. Where do you shop? You definitely got your body back after Trig was born. Oh wait, I'm not allowed to say anything about this, because it would reduce my fan mail to being "all about gender." This totally isn't gender politics! No one is playing that card! Seriously, though. Do you shop at 5-7-9?? That's my personal favorite, although I haven't been a 5 or a 7 or a 9 since junior high.

But seriously, Barracuda, you've got me going. I think I'm going to change my political affiliation just to vote for you and that old dude, McCain. He must have a total crush on you. I mean, a chance to vote for a woman? Not to mention the fact that you are also a hockey mom. I mean, I'm a Jewish mom, and I am sure that means we have TONS in common because we are both moms. And you're such a great mom, too, raising those 5 strong kids with those supercool names. No sense in giving them a boring name like Sarah!! They must respect you a LOT. I mean, when was the last time you sat down with them and talked to them? I am sure they're all behind this "being in the spotlight" thing. Who wouldn't want to be?

I am just pleased as punch that you are the veep nominee. The family values you espouse are just exactly the way I hope to live my life. I have always aspired to be a hunter and know how to use a gun. Not just a rifle, either. Something big that will scare my neighbor next time he trims back the big maple out front just a little too much. Or leaves the roaches from his joints on my sidewalk. I mean, he has cancer, and he says it lessens his pain, but whatever. You know he is some leftie pinko just trying to get a buzz.

Thank goodness, too, you're all for drilling for oil in Alaska. I mean, isn't the whole state kind of like your own personal back yard? Who cares about the environment, anyway? I mean, you're so busy being the governor and worrying about the here and now that you couldn't possibly also be able to think about the future, right? That green stuff is crap anyway. I like driving my huge SUV and I have plenty of money so filling up for $100 a tank is no big deal. Must be the same for you.

OK, I'm signing off for now, but with a special message for Bristol. Please tell her even skinny 17 year olds can get stretch marks. And she can use Vaseline (hey, it's a petroleum based product) to try to get rid of them, but it won't really work. Stay away from that organic baby food (it's all a scam) and make sure she keeps up with her hunting while she's pregnant. And don't bother to do any of that prenatal testing. She's only 17, so I'm sure it will all be fine because she's as wholesome a girl as they come.

I can't wait to have you as my girls' role model. I'm going to hang up your head shot in my living room. I mean, like you said, this is America, and every woman can walk through every door of opportunity.

Thanks for being you, Sarah!


Maya said...

OMG--this is EXACTLY what I was thinking. Then I wondered if Bristol was really 5 months....

Also, Thank you, Mr. McCain, for being so sensitive as to realize that it doesn't matter which woman is running for which office. We raging, wild-eyed feminists just need to vote for a woman in this election! It doesn't matter which one, because, really, Clinton, Palin, they're all the same essentially: I mean, they're all women, right?

Mahotma Mama said...

Awesome Awesome Awesome!

Nancy said...

Preach it, sister. Preach it.

n, np

Joyous Jewess said...

EXTREMELY well-put. Humor is the only thing that can ease the nausea I've been feeling all week about this. Thank you.

Barina said...

Dear Ima Spew,

I'm really impressed that you managed to produce a post without the words "Penis" or "Vagina" in the title. This is probably major progress for you and you should pat yourself on the back. Or just vote for yourself a few dozen times.

You're not actually funny and you never will be, but voting for your own pathetic attempts at humor probably gives you that touch of self-esteem you so desperately need.

Feel free to take a break from political commentary and tell us many more not particularly amusing anecdotes about bodily fluids. Remember you only have so much time to tell those stories, before your kids grow up and run screaming from your general vicinity, and you'll have to step down to catblogging.

Sincerely yours


Anonymous said...

I would like to say that I enjoyed reading this blog about motherhood. I found strength and encouragement for when I might become a mother in the future. I looked forward to being able to contribute whenever I might be blessed to become a mother. Since this blog has now ceased to be about motherhood, I will no longer be reading it. I shall miss following the lives of you and your children and wish everyone well. Shana Tova!

amichimac said...

First, when did motherhood stop being a political issue? Every mother on this site cares about the world that her child(ren) grow up in and that world is tremendously effected by the people that are in power in this country. Not only do our politicians have a direct effect on all of our lives, Sarah Palin is campaigning in large part as a mother. You only had to watch her speech last night when she spent her first 15 minutes on a national political stage discussing her family to know that she bases a large part of her world image on her role as a mother. If this is how she chooses to present herself in the campaign for the second most important person in this country, then I think we all have an obligation to discuss her decisions as a mother.

Secondly, maybe you should read a little closer because as far as I can remember, Gluckel has not written anything about penises, vaginas or bodily fluids. If you have a problem with people discussing the bodies that the Man (or Woman or Being or whatever) upstairs gave us, that's fine. I'm sorry that you are so uptight that you can't see the humor in the things that all humans have in common but at least save the criticism for the person who actually offended you.

Finally, Mahotma Mama is one of my closest friends and one of the funniest people I have ever known. Her children are lucky to have her as a mother and will never have reason to run from her because she is loving, caring and easy to talk to about anything. Which I'm sure your children will never be able to do with you because of your previously mentioned uptightness. Enjoy being a grandma when your sweet little one turns 15 because s/he needed to talk to someone about birth control but knew that you were not going to be helpful or even accurate.

Mahotma Mama said...

Dear Anonymous #1,

In Gluckel's defense, I do not think she has written one blog with Penis or Vagina in the title. I proudly take the blame for those (and don't forget about the sex ones, I also write about sex). So if you'd like to go on a nonsensical tirade against an Ima with an opinion (I believe we are all entitled to one) to increase your own obviously very fragile self esteem, you will want to address my blogs.

Cheers and Penises!

Delilah said...

So mothers aren't allowed to have political views? How remarkably shortsighted-- and archaic.

What I have always enjoyed about Ima Shalom-- and why I continue to read it (and vote for it!)-- is that the varied viewpoints show the many different facets of motherhood. Mothers vote. Mothers have sex. And aren't afraid to talk about it. And, Barina, mothers have self-esteem. Especially these mothers! That is why they *make* the time to celebrate the varied, holistic, and humorous approach that this blog takes. Perhaps you are jealous of the blog's success and character, or perhaps you just haven't gotten laid in awhile. In either case, Barina, I applaud your immaturity and encourage you to seek therapy for your obviously unresolved mother issues.
I know a great blog that can help you out!

Pussy Lover said...

In response to Barina:

I personally enjoy reading posts about penises and vaginas. And who wouldn't? They are nature's gifts that keep on giving. Perhaps it is time you learned to appreciate them! Start by removing the stick from your ass and inserting it into more pleasurable orifices.
It can be a great self-esteem booster. Even better than posting snarky insults on blogsites... oh wait.

Well I'm off to blog about my cats, they are so rascally!

Gluckel of Manhattan said...

Thrilled that my rant has inspired so many of you to comment.

I will say only one thing in response.

I only care peripherally what kind of parent my president or vice president is. I care what kind of leader that person is, and I care about what kind of values inform their choices. I hope that each of you, when you enter the intimate space of the voters' booth in November, consider whether or not the person you cast your vote for will be the kind of leader who will lead in ways that are consistent with your values.

(and here's a special shout out for my virtual sisters who write about penises and vaginas. God knows that both John McCain and Sarah Palin wouldn't be where they are today without them!)

Marcela said...

Dear Anonymous--The idea that a female candidate for VP is being held up as a model of motherhood and womanhood is certainly something that should concern all women, especially those who are contemplating motherhood. If you'd like to live in a world in which children who chose not to abstain before marriage are having children, without the social supports necessary to make sure that everyone is educated and given hope for a future (since social spending is cut back every year to pay for wars and tax breaks), then you, too, should be concerned. Even if you personally have the financial and emotional resources to support your future child should she, G-d forbid, find herself in Bristol's position, most parents of pregnant teenagers do not. When I gave birth, I shared a hospital room with a teenage high-school drop out mother, and it was extremely sad to listen to her answer questions of social workers, and listen to her parents talk about how they hoped the child would "turn her life around."

Miriam said...

Loved it!

I'm surprised by the double standard. The Republicans can promote Palin as a mom but then anyone who disagrees with her policy stands is sexist and attacking mothers and inappropriate in a political setting.

Mahotma Daddy said...

Gluckel: congrats on your courage to voice your opinion, a basic freedom upon which this country was founded. It's a shame when others can't respect that right with respectful discourse.

I have already seen this election tear apart a Jewish chat room for our local community. Disagree. Debate. Whatever. But to start personal attacks and insults against a fellow Jew, and even a fellow human of any religion, is a chilul hashem.

And, on another note, as co-producer of said fluids, penises and vaginas, I fully support Mathotma Mamma's hilarious posts and hope they continue! I brace myself each Wednesday for what's next - and I'm never disappointed! I think it's wonderful that we have so many friends, colleagues and acquaintances who take the time each week to read your blogs and rate them - they seem to agree with me too!!


Elisha said...

Have to say that I agree with most of those who have already commented, but I did want to add my $0.02. I'm one of those women who lurk on this blog, reading the stories about the complicated, varied world of mothers, especially Jewish mothers. It's given me insight, and a laugh, and I can only hope I can store away the advice for the time when I am a mother.

Kudos, Mahatma, for your open letter - I thoroughly enjoyed it, just as I enjoy the varied articles all of you post here. It truly shows that once we take on that title of "mom," "ima," "mother," or whichever title you might adopt, we still maintain our individuality in all its complexity.

Elisha said...

Oops, sorry Gluckel... I got caught up in the varied responses that I forgot who wrote the original post!

Debby said...

As a mother and woman I agree and have the same hopes. Thank you for sharing this as a mother. I don't want a world that this Sarah preaches. And if that woman ever becomes president then our country will have no hope of recovery. I supported Clinton, not because she was a woman, but because she worked to make the USA and the world a fairer place. Uhm, who do I think will take her place better? Another woman?..No...Another Democrat? Yes. MaCain has abolutely lost his head, or is he just s&%$ck"ing up to the conservatives. Maverick my $%&!

mamele said...

Hensley Barracuda Johnston has a nice ring to it.

Don't we all vote with, as Samantha Bee so memorably put it, the fun pouch? The love pita? Who cares what Sarah Palin's values are -- she's a mom! And a person of vagina! (I'll say vagina if you won't. Vagina, Vagina, Vagina. In French, vagine. In Spanish, vagina. I don't know how to say it in Hebrew. Or Yiddish.) Sign me up!